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This has been tough. Digging in deep enough to let you in, but I promised myself to be authentic with you. I was hoping this letter would be celebratory. After all, it’s 2017! We – along with you, should be celebrating the blank pages of the new year but I’m left reeling from one of the toughest years of my life, personally.

I’m just days away from turning 36 years old, and by most standards – I can comfortably say I’ve accomplished a lot in my life. The more than decade long career as a television news broadcaster, the guts to leave it all behind and launch a college kid’s dream of owning a magazine.

Here I am. I’ve done it. I’m doing it! I’m proof that with hard work, perseverance and a lot of passion – you can accomplish anything.

Everything I’ve plastered on my vision board is coming to fruition. Everything but becoming a mother. While there’s still so much more I want to accomplish professionally – nothing tugs at my heart more than the desire to have a family. Like many women, I waited to start a family. But I don’t have any regrets. I didn’t meet the man of my dreams (literally – and there was a time in my life I thought that would never happen too) until five years ago. We got married in March 2014, and have been trying to become parents ever since.

When I say trying – I don’t just mean the ‘Babe! It’s time. I’m ovulating. Let’s hanky panky.’ And that is so not sexy by the way. There’s nothing quite like a married couple getting it on just to procreate.

Do I have permission to let it all out? I’m giving myself permission to be vulnerable. Too many of us put on a mask, armor ourselves – pretending our lives are perfect. And guess what? We are not perfect! Don’t look at me and think to yourself for a second that I have it all together. Am I blessed? Yes. That’s because I’d like to think I’m an eternal optimist. But do I have days where I feel like everything around me is falling apart? You bet.

Christmas 2016 will go down as one of the most trying emotional times of my life. We put our faith in a ‘Christmas Miracle’ – what we got was yet another test of our faith. Our second round of IVF (in-vitro fertilization) failed. Yes, you heard me right. The first round was hard enough. But to get the devastating news that I was not pregnant again on Christmas?

Fucked up.
More than $30,000 later …here I am, left wondering – will I ever become a mother? There’s nothing like spending tens of thousands of dollars to change your mindset about money. Poof. Gone. And still no baby.

And as I drove to the gym the morning after – I yelled to the world, ‘Is that all you got for me? Is that your best shot? You think you can break me? You can’t b-r-e-a-k me bitch.’ This is the tame version.
The challenges we’ve faced would break anyone. It will test your self-worth, your faith and your marriage in more ways than one. And here we are, still standing.

I’m going to be fine, and we’ll never give up. Women like us don’t give up. 2017 is still a blank canvas.
So many women – too many women look in the mirror hating themselves. I’ve had too many of these moments after dozens of shots, a bruised and bloated stomach, surgeries and months of waiting and anticipating what turned out to be dreaded results.

It’s a time of new year’s resolutions – the we’re not good enough as we are resolutions. Look, I’m not saying we shouldn’t have goals. And I’m not excusing unhealthy behaviors. But there’s something refreshing about letting it all out – flaws and all, saying to the world, ‘This is me. This is who I am. And I’m okay with it.’

This blog was originally from a publication and left here for the women who may be going through the same thing. There is one more blog where I detail the success of our IVF journey. Since the birth of our beautiful daughter in 2018, we have been through two more rounds of IVF in an attempt to have a second child. We are still hopeful we can expand our family; I’ve learned sometimes we can’t control the timing or the outcome.


  • Kayla says:

    Thanks for your honesty and vulnerability, Nineveh. Although I don’t completely understand the devastation of infertility and failed IVF, I can empathize with you deeply. As a fellow self proclaimed eternal optimist, 2016 was probably my worst year to date as well. I don’t say stuff like that lightly either. And dealing with all of the emotions, people, normal life activities, etc when you’re in what feels like a marathon (you’ve never trained for) of negativity, just sucks. Fortunately, I had a lot of great (women mostly) mentors, friends, and family there to support me during some of the toughest portions of the year. I am forever grateful for these people who were there for me when I didn’t know how to ask for help. One of the worst parts of the year, however, was dealing with the people who didn’t care to understand whatever it was I was going through, and worse, judged me for being/acting differently. A lot of times I felt like a bad person, and just an overwhelming sense of guilt, for not being able to snap myself out of my “funk” and be the normal, happy, positive, dry witted girl everyone knew me to be.
    I by no means am a victim in a tragic story, and I commend your courage to tell your story, because it takes strength to show the dark parts of our lives. I hope you are able to see the light at the end of the tunnel, or whatever it is you need to see for you to feel like you’re enough and you’re going to be ok through your journey.
    I finally feel like I can now breath a little easier, and the light at the end of the tunnel continues to shine a little brighter from the lessons shitty 2016 taught me. 😉 number one being, you are worthy and enough just the way you are. Because this finally started clicking for me, I learned that asking for help isn’t a sign of weakness… it’s pretty normal. Number two, I can’t do everything on my own. Up until the end of 2015, I some how managed to do that for the most part. Number three, the opinions of me and my character are plenty in my personal and professional life. I’ve finally started realizing that these opinions aren’t who I am, they don’t define my worth, and these shallow opinions aren’t going to determine my destiny.
    I learned so much more than I could write down here and am still learning. Thank you again for having the courage to share this. Cheers to you and your family in 2017! 🙂

    • Kayla! Thank you for sharing this – we all go through our individual challenges. It’s what makes us stronger and get us closer to who we’re meant to become! <3 much love. Thanks for taking the time to comment!

  • Dorrie Schuler Hamik says:

    Don’t give up on the fertility Nenevah! Three’s a charm(?)
    Rest as much as you can and think about everything as the glass half full-attitude!
    I’m a teacher and one of my friends spent $10,000 when it was all said and done for her pregnancy. She got pregnant again soon after that! She has two boys! She tells him and everyone that he’s her $10,000 prize!:))
    Good luck!:))
    Dorrie Hamik

    • yes that’s what I keep telling myself! third time is a charm! haha yes I’ve already spent a lot on our children – I heard kids were expensive …just didn’t know they were expensive before they even arrived ha! Got to have a sense of humor about it. Thank you so much Dorrie. <3

  • Thank you for being brave, raw, and real. I can only imagine your heartbreak and pain, but your eternal optimism is inspiring. I pray your dreams of becoming a member do come true for you. Much love to you!

  • Tobi Roberts says:

    Well done Nineveh. I love the raw transparency. You are so right that many today only publish the positive results and they fail to take you on the journey. This provides a false sense of reality causing people to quit way to easy.

    • So true! Hard to write about it, but felt a weight lift off my shoulders living in my truth. It’s like writing a journal publicly! Can’t wait to get together – an email coming your way later this afternoon. <3

  • Kerri says:

    Going through this myself I feel for you….there’s no greater want or need than that… always know miracles happen everyday. I’m living proof. 25 years and 2 marriges later and we have 2 miracles one through adoption and one of our own..If there is anything I can do questions I can answer. Let me know. You are in my prayers….

  • Thanks for sharing Ninevah! You are truly an inspiration for us women. At times it may be hard to believe, you are on the exact path you’re meant to be on. You and John have so much to be proud of! I’m a believer in the universe working in mysterious ways. ❤️ Stay positive and keep up the hard work. Everything will work out.

  • Verliene says:

    I have had the opportunity to meet you and get to know you a bit through LifeVantage. You are a beautiful, confident, caring woman and one way or another I know your dream to be a mom will come true. I have 3 kids and never had issues getting pregnant so I don’t know what you have gone through, but knowing the unbelievable love of having kids, I can tell you all you are going through will be worth it. You will be a beautiful mom Ninevah.❤️

  • Annie says:

    So grateful that you’re sharing your story & your heart with us all here. I believe God doesn’t put desires in our hearts that He won’t fulfill. This will happen for you guys! Praying that the journey won’t be much longer or much harder. I have had many family members & friends struggle with infertility, and so I wanted to gently mention something that has worked for many of them — you can choose to look into it or not, I just wanted to lay it on the table in case you hadn’t heard of it yet: The success rates are higher than IVF and the cost is much less. I’ve actually heard of women go through the Napro protocol and get pregnant after they’ve had multiple rounds of IVF that failed. That’s all I wanted to say about it (I do not want to be that pushy person!), and that I wish the best for you guys as you keep trying to grow your family!

  • Mindy says:

    Luv you friend! I admire your “never give up” attitude and for focusing your articles on what truly matters–US, not what we look like! I’m excited to read this issue. More prayers and hope coming your way!??

  • Karlee says:

    This story is my exact story about 2 failed IVF’s (2 miscarriages) . I also had 6 failed IUI’s right before that and a host of 1 in a million rare problems while doing egg retrieval. I have been married for 11 years with no pregnancy other than the IVF pregnancies that ultimately failed. I am going to try one more time and then I will accept whatever happens. I am at peace (at the moment) with the conclusion. From there, if it doesn’t work then I will look into adoption or a surrogate with my leftover eggs. The crappiest thing is that I have those weird post pregnancy hormone issues and nothing to show for it.

    • Awwww I know how you feel! You do IVF and it feels like you’re pregnant – all the symptoms and then nothing. My best wishes to you. Rooting for you! Hang in there. <3

  • Evita says:

    Thank you so much for sharing your story!! 2016 brought with it another miscarriage for
    me, actually got to hear the heartbeat this time. My body is tired too. Hopefully it will happen one day for us! Xoxo

  • Katie says:

    It was simply amazing. I had history of recurrent miscarriages and was also diagnosed with genetic problems but using your system I got pregnant naturally at age 44& after 2 HSGs and 4 negative IUIs including 6 induction Clomid cycles and laparscopy